RJS + KS = True Love

Tomorrow is the two year mark. Two years. Two short, long, hard, trying, and growing years of my life.

Time. Each post I write often refers to time. How fast or slow it goes--but always that I am acutely aware of it. It became the most precious gift almost 3 years ago. As a family we wanted to spend it as wisely as possible. I think we accomplished that goal and I have no regrets about how we spent our remaining time with dad.

Time has now shifted and changed. What have I learned and how have I grown in the last couple of years? Have I spent my time wisely? I hope, as I look back, that I can say yes. I have a path and I am working towards a goal. Dad was always so supportive and proud of what I did. A dear friend of mine brought me a card today. She wrote, "I know your dad is so proud of you. Life is good--just like you said." These two lines meant a lot to me. I hope my dad can be proud of what I am doing--i'm so grateful for this reassurance that he is. I often quote my dad when he would tell us that "all will be well." Life is good, and all is well.

Some of the most precious advice he gave to me was: stay close to our family, stay close to the Lord. Everything else will work out. I strive to live this advice. Dad applied this advice throughout his life. His priorities were straight. Things do work themselves out--if we do our part and have our lives in order.

I am not nearly as eloquent a writer as mom. I re-read several of her blog posts and found these things she wrote particularly profound to me as I sit and remember.

"I thought of Jakie hugging his beloved Grandpa and the wonderful bond that existed there. I hope Ricky and the other grandchildren to follow can understand how very much they are loved by this same Grandpa that Jakie loved so fiercely. I hope those to come will have been loved before and sent on their way knowing that feeling.....and remember.

Often I think about what and who we are missing and try to fill in the spaces with other things, but the fact remains that we are all a bit lost at sea. Our rudder has taken a leave of absence. Now we need to pull together and not only remain strong, but grow by overcoming obstacles that lay in our path almost daily. We all handle these feelings and missings differently and our peaks and valleys come at different times, but we hope that we can come out with something good in the end.

Through priesthood blessings, Rick has been promised that he can attend to us after he reaches the other side. A blessing given to the faithful. It has been his greatest regret that he will miss important events in our lives. If he could choose his assignment in the hereafter, he might choose to work in the nursery...to hug and love any more babies before they come to our families, he has so missed the opportunity to hug and love baby Ricky, his namesake. But there may be more to do than he has time to get to....leaving us for a time with the peace that the Gospel and the Plan of Salvation brings to our family as we prove our faith.

How grateful we are as a family to know that there is a place that continues beyond this life, a place of love, peace and reward for a faithful life, well-lived. If not for that sure knowledge, we would not have been able to endure the pain of loss. With the Lord's help and His mercies, we will."

As I sit here writing, remembering, and crying--in comes Jakie, running, because he just wanted to give me a big hug and a kiss. What a spiritually in-tune little boy. Now comes Ricky to show me his horse and to play dinosaurs before bed. Tender, sweet spirits...I wish dad could play horses and dinosaurs and cub scouts with his boys.

As I was driving home today from Idaho with Joey and Anna the topic of gospel "deal-breakers" came up. Polygamy was discussed in length. I didn't have much to add to the conversation, but it led me to think seriously about any gospel deal-breakers I had. As Joey discussed some of the challenges we all had faced as an immediate and extended family, there were definitely chances to fall away from the gospel. These tests that we experienced have strengthened my testimony and faith in Jesus Christ. The atonement is all-encompassing. I know that. I have felt the love of a Savior that knows me. I wrote my testimony a month after dad passed away--I was on a different spiritual plane than I am today. I hope to be as in-tune with the spirit as Jakie is, and as I once was.

A lot of this post is just jumbled thoughts, however, it was very cathartic to write it all down. I hope some bit of my feelings were conveyed. I love my dad. I miss him daily. He is the perfect dad for me.